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Thursday, October 02, 2008
Am sad. I have lost or misplaced my white and yellow gold chain… I searched everywhere but couldn't find it. Kept remembering where I had put it the last time I wore it. Usually I always keep it in one place. But this time when I removed it, I dunno where I kept it. And a small voice was telling me it might get lost. And seems that this is what happened…
My heart is heavy. I have never lost anything before. Yes I have been robbed before. My roommate stole my wallet. After shifting places, people broke into my place once and stole a few belongings. Both occurred during my college days. Then while I was brushing my hair, my comb got stuck in my diamond earring and it went down through the sink. My reflex was fast though. I got hold of the diamond before it went through the hole. It is the gold screw that went down the drains…
Call it superstition I dunno. But when my gold chain once broke, I had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. And it did. Then one day I had cut myself. I was bleeding profusely and I had a gut feeling that something bad was going to happen. My boy-friend and I had a terrible fight and we broke up the same evening…
Is something bad going to happen? Did I actually lose my necklace? I need to keep looking even though I did. No. I will keep looking till I find it. It must be in the house somewhere.
I have lost my 'friends'. Mom was asking me if they had contacted me. No they haven't. It's been 2 weeks now and not a single sms nor a call. I will not make the first move. If indeed they want me around they will contact me. I have lost my job. I have been at home since a month now. No interviews no appointments nothing. Am falling short of money and I'd rather stay at home than going out and wanting to spend on something that I like. I wonder when will the time come when I will be able to get things without having to think many times before spending or cutting here and there. I have dreams. But I think that they will never be fulfilled. So far whatever I had planned in my life haven't gone the way I did. And I have really lost hope now that I will get what I want someday. Yeah keep faith and all… That's what has kept me going actually. Hope. Small word but weighing a lot. Sigh… I am in a phase where everything is back to zero. No I would say minus zero. Lol. I dunno if I should cry or laugh or just remain insensitive about it.
I remember when back in school days I had stopped feeling any kind of attachment for anything. Or anyone. A few minutes back I remembered that. I thought what was the point of liking of loving something or someone when you know you are going to lose that once day. I lost my necklace. Had I not been attached to it I wouldn't have shed tears and felt a void. I lost my friends. I wouldn't have shed tears coz it hurts to know that I was being used for some purpose. I thought I could count on them anytime. Sigh… Could and would… Pointless. Never existed in my vocab. Never will.
Am not feeling good at all right now.
Posted at 3:13 pm by Spot
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Wednesday, October 01, 2008
I like my cousin. He is someone that any girl could wish for. He is just a year elder to me. Unmarried, doing well, independent, very well-mannered and easy-going and has a lot of success with girls!!! My parents really like him. Specially my Dad. I do sms him sometimes and he replies back always. But I guess I screwed up once when he was smsing someone one evening and his friend told me "Hey what's going on? He is taking your phone number already?" And I replied "Oh c'mon! He is my cousin!!!" Poor guy just looked at me and didn't say anything. His friend thought he was flirting with me when in fact he had just taken his phone out to sms one of his babes!
Anyhow last time I was with my bf and he came to the pub. He saw us and I left my bf to go and say hi to him. We spoke for some time and then I went back to Mr Bf (who told me 'your cousin is good-looking". He is indeed…
Now I can't make advances at him in case he takes it bad and then starts avoiding me. I don't wanna spoil that. I even felt like telling my Mom about him. But again I don't wanna venture myself. Coz I am sure am not his kinda girl. Usually I don't mind approaching a guy if I happen to like him. But with this one am stuck! Maybe coz we are related. I kept telling him in all my smses that we should meet up for a drink. We always say we'll do that but then nothing… And again once he said we should meet up on a Saturday. But I know he would rather be with his friends. And the thing is, whenever I meet one of his friends, we get drunk and flirt shamelessly with each other!!! Pathetic!!! Can't help it! It comes naturally!!! He is the same guy who asked me what was happening in the situation mentioned above! He is another guy who has everything too… But a real womanizer!!! Mr. ex-Bf was once real jealous when he saw me talking to him once. He had told me that this guy has everything! Well he and my cousin are in the 'socialites' category… But it's not for that reason that I am really attracted to him. Arrrgh!!! I think my case is hopeless!
Sigh… Anyway… I know nothing will happen. So I'd rather give up unless he gives me a hint that he would like to meet up with me for a drink.
Till then, Sayonara!
Posted at 3:06 pm by Spot
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Friday, September 26, 2008
I am hurt. Yes as usual. I wonder when I will be able to express my joy ever!!! Sigh... Anyway it's been 2 weeks that I haven't heard from my good friends here. I thought they were. Was at their place almost everyday, and would meet up every weekend. Would help them around with their new house. Helped them in getting good business. And one day when I called them up to tell them I will not be able to make it to some evening in a pub, she got pissed off. I was not well and yet she didn't understand that. But when it is her turn to be unwell, the world has come to a standstill.
No since the last time I smsed her and I got a very brief reply, I decided to let it go this time. I am not going to be after someone who is not interested to stay friends with me. And I wonder if we were actually friends.
Another guy, whom am close to since childhood agreed that we go for a beer last week. I got ready at 3. And he told me that something came up at his office and that once over he will let me know at what time we can go. So I waited for his call. Till 8.30pm. That bastard didn't even bother to call me. And no news from him since then. I am not going to get in touch or even go out with him ever again. Shows the respect he has for me. Who does he think he is???
Am stupid. I wonder why I am so stupid and naive... I wonder why I had started believing in people again. I wonder why I have changed so much since 3 years.
The character that I had forged for myself and that took me long to mould had disintegrated last year. I won't give the reason. And now I find myself back to square one. Why the fk do I need to keep rebuilding things around me and for me all the time??? Will history repeat itself like that again and again in my life?
People say we always have a choice. Even I agree with that. But then how do we know that we are making the right choice at that very moment? It is only when things get executed that we know that the choice we made was the correct one. That too only after seeing that it's working for us! One cannot blame the other one for the choice he/she made. Unless the person had suggested that it would be better if the decision was taken after viewing that thing in a different angle...
I don't care whether you think that am ranting about myself and all. I have the right to do it. I used to wonder whether I have the right to do things. Whether I have the right to be happy (yeah yeah, everyone deserves to be happy) and all the bullshit. Anyway, I have no idea what is happening in my life and why the fk my life has come to a standstill again! Why is it that I always face problems in whatever I want to do. Don't tell me I made the wrong choice in deciding the thing I wanna do. Because I always end up doing the things I don't want to do. Specially in my career. Because am surrounded by fkg snakes and horrible creatures that can't stand the way I work and can't stand me that I get penalized. Is there any justice ever in here???
Posted at 3:04 pm by Spot
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So much to talk about... And yet am blank. I was just going through my previous blog. I felt like keep reading it. I can believe I used to write so much earlier!!! And I can't believe the life I had earlier! Always something to talk about!!! Man! And everything so descriptive! I could actually see the scenes in front of my eyes!
Last night I ended up dreaming something I should not be dreaming about a friend! A male friend! Damn! Why the hell did I? I felt so weird! I mean, something like that cannot happen between us even though it is tempting! As it is our friendship didn't start the normal way... He wanted and I didn't. But after the unease was over, I thought lemme give him another chance and finally we became very thick pals. But mind you... Whenever we hugged (must have happened a couple of times) I was scared that he would be aroused. And it was not with him only. I had another thick pal where I would never let my chest touch his. Was too scared. No. I didn't even wanna know if he was attracted to me or not. But the thing is... one ends up being attracted to me. I dunno why...
Anyway I saw 'that' friend online today and toldhim that I had a dream that needed to be censored today. Oh he was dying to know what it was all about. And he didn't seem to mind it at all! In fact seems that he wouldn't mind that the dream turns into reality someday... Sigh... Noway.
I chatted with my ex today. In the evening. I saw him on webcam too and he really wanted to see me too. Well I pleased him even though I was in my pyjamas and hair tied up and no make-up! Bottom line is, I was NOT looking good!!! After 4 years he saw me in such a state!!! Argh... It's not that I need to seduce him or something. We will not be together ever again. That time has gone. He looked the same. He looked very confident (I know why) and well he sounded a lil formal. But in the end he said he loves me. Still.
Posted at 3:02 pm by Spot
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Saturday, September 13, 2008
Just came back from a birthday party. It was an unusual one. The people present were very different and even though I tried to talk to a few people, there was no point as they wouldn't make the effort to respond. They would stare back at you as if you were disturbing them. Well, I served myself a beer and went outside, lighting up a cigarette. A few other friends joined me and decided that finally my spot was much more 'welcoming' than anywhere else! And we had a great time!!!
One thing I wanted to talk about… It is very strange how people perceive friendship nowadays… Some become friends with others out of need. Others become friends out of reputation, as in, yeah if that person is a big shot and a socialite, then one should befriend that person so as to be able to be in the good books. To be seen with a socialite means opening doors to a different kind of world. Heads turn when you pass by and other people ask about you… And eventually you start paving your way to other people… It's like a chain letter. You know where it leads you finally.
Another kind of friendship can be called 'calculated' friendship. If a person is well-off, then one should try to be in his/her company. Life becomes easier. Free rides in cars, booze and food flowing… Well everything is being paid for… The power of money… It's sad to see that even though the person spending is rich, the person is actually poor. Coz he/she is being appreciated for his wealth and nothing else.
There are those who meet, become acquaintances and finally become thick pals. Always together through thick and thin. Taking turns in supporting each other, sharing good and bad times, hanging out together, being happy for each other, feeling sad when one is going through a rough patch… True friendship.
I am the kind of person who will go beyond my means to help someone who is very close to me to help him/her out. I don't want anything in return. What I expect is that I do not feel used after that. If I see that I can be of any kind of help then I will not hesitate. But I am doing this because I have a lot of affection for that person. I can help out a complete stranger also. If it is in my means I would do it. But it hurts that sometimes the people you are close to know you only when they need you and once they can be on their own, they don't know you as before. Smses and phone calls become once a week, and when you do meet up there is an awkwardness in the air… The friendship spell got broken. Things have changed.
I used to organize surprise parties earlier, or give gifts, or spend a lot of time chit chatting… because I would love seeing the happiness on other people's face. If you are happy then am happy too. If you are suffering, my heart will be heavy and I would even share the tears with you. Can't help it. I am that way. If someone does something to my loved ones, I wouldn't spare him/her. It's more than I can bear. That maternal instinct is too high in me. That need to protect my loved ones from any kind of harm is always in me. Can't help it… What's funny is that sometimes I do not protect myself the way I would protect other people… No explanation for that…
A few days back I came across someone who set me thinking. She said, she has learnt that one shouldn't go out of his way to help someone else. Do things but with limitations. One should be a little selfish and think about oneself. Specially in today's world.
Many people have become self-centered today. Yeah I have noticed that. Sometimes it's overwhelming. And yes it hits me hard in the face when I come to realize that I was used by the people I trusted. During my college days, people would befriend me just because I was a foreigner… Or for some other reasons. Guys would place bets among themselves for stupid reasons… And of course they would never win or they would boast that they did win when actually I didn't even know them. That was so cheap. And I would be so hurt. But hey who cared? All this was fun for them!
I wonder if true friendship exists. I wonder if there is anyone out there who would support me through thick and thin. Not just say it. But actually be there for me whenever something good happens to me and share my joy or whenever something terrible happens and share my grief… Jealousy is there. Many people will be so happy when they hear that something bad happened. Is there anyone genuine enough to be happy for me when something good happens? Ha! Tell me about it!
Posted at 2:54 pm by Spot
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Sunday, September 07, 2008
Four years… Almost four years of silence… Man it's been long… It sure took me some time to start blogging again today. And I know there is someone who will be jumping on his seat when he reads my first post!!! Lol! I needed time. I needed inspiration. It took me a whole day to figure out how to call my blogspace. Yeah I ended up with some silly name! Well if you are curious about it, lemme tell you what it's all about. "Mots" in French means "Words" and "pots" is just an interchange of letters for "spot". In other words, a 'spot' for 'words'. I know I know. Sounds stupid. But I really have run out of inspiration and need to get that groove back! Oh don't worry. It will come.
So. Where do I begin? Am not going to make another silly introduction. Don't need to. If ever my 'spot' captures your attention and breath, then you will know the person in me. I dunno if time has changed me again into someone more mature or more idiotic than I already was. I used to blog earlier. And man I would complain about many things (like everyone else) and would write/talk about my crazy nights… and days! I wrote 'talk' too coz I used to remember word for word conversations that would strike me! Ha! Yeah that's me! All details included.
If am here again today is to keep my anonymity. So please bear with that. I want to speak freely. I want to put my thoughts into words that will stay on for a long time. I have had enough of restrictions where I knew some people will be reading my blog and thus I would hesitate in really opening up and pouring out my feelings and frustrations. It was sometimes embarrassing when after an entry, some people I know would ask me questions I didn't want to answer. Face to face. That's embarrassing.
Anyhow, I haven't been upto exciting things of late. I was a maniac at work and would reach home at 9pm everyday. Hmm would leave home at 7.30am. Sometimes would even go to work on Sundays. As for Saturdays, no need to say that half my day was spent in the office. I have been working like that for a year. And I have lost my job today. Some people could not understand why I would be in the office so much. In the beginning they thought it was normal. But after a few weeks they told me that if I continue like that I might end up with a depression. What they didn't comprehend was I would suffer from a depression had I worked like them!!! IT'S MY CHOICE!!! So lemme breathe and do as I please. I was never complaining about it. Coz I enjoyed working till late. There was a bitch who envied me. She couldn't stand me and well she plays a major role in my dismissal. What goes around HAS to come around someday.
So am jobless now. I dunno what's waiting for me. I dunno what's in front of me. I can't even say I have my dream job… I have been reading "The Secret" and after putting it down, I didn't find the courage to pick it up again. It says that whatever you want to achieve and get, just say to yourself that you already have it. Well I've been wanting for something and it's been a long time. Still haven't got it. My point is, I can't say I have got a job when I don't have one. In a recent interview, a person told me I was arrogant. Just because I was honest and replied to his question that indeed my parents have spoilt me. Yes they have. So what???
Will stop for today. Hopefully second entry will be tomorrow! Ha!
Goodnight!
Posted at 1:41 am by Spot
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