Life has come to a standstill again. I am not working. I am financially broke. Whatever am doing is wrong. I am at home 7 days a week.  I don’t go out. I don’t listen to music. I don’t drink.  I go out only when am forced to. I have nothing to do. The last time I went to a pub was 7 weeks back. The last time I met up with friends – or rather ex-colleagues was 3 weeks back. The last time I felt compelled to go out and meet up people was 2 weeks back. I hardly socialized that day coz I was not in a good mood.

Why is it that I always end up doing things I don’t want to do? Why is it that I feel like a loser? Why is it that am so sad? No this is not depression. This is a dead end. A T-Zone. I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do with my life. I keep hunting for a job. I haven’t got any yet.

I feel worthless. That feeling was always there. I always thought I was stupid. I was always belittled since childhood. I have always been obedient. Then some choices were forced upon me. I was ok for a few months. I used to stand up for myself. But then again I started thinking whether I had the right to be happy. If I had the right to want things. If I deserved good things. I tried and tried to change my fate. I did everything to fight my misery. But I failed. Am still paying for the price today. Of not succeeding.

People told me I have everything. Some old ‘friends’ used to envy my lifestyle too. What for? I always did my best to please people around me. If I refused to do something which I didn’t want, I felt guilty about it. And I ended up pleasing the other person. At my own cost. Just to make him or her happy. It didn’t matter if I felt uncomfortable about it inside. It didn’t matter if I felt miserable.

My ex-employer once told me I acted like I was being victimized. I was really taken aback. She told me things which really hurt me. She told me things that I can’t even tell my parents. And I was fired because I was not competent. I did a high-calibre job. For the first time. New responsibilities. New environment. Not a single handing over. I learnt on the lot. Everything was new to me. Even though I had the personality, the looks, the background, I was mainly fired because I could not get along with someone there. She was the right-hand of the boss. Just because I stood up for myself and told that she was doing my job and I was being discredited in front of everyone, specially my staffs, I became the black-sheep. In 3 months I was expected to master everything. Had they given me another month I would have done it. But after coming out of something that had reduced me to pieces, it was difficult to get up that fast again. I was so happy that I had made my parents proud. But when I heard the news, I was devastated. I loved that place.

When I joined the other company, the handing-over was terrible. Done in 3 days.  I was in total chaos. I had to learn another different job. Something totally new to me. The management was horrible. Things were upside down. I worked 12 hours a day. Sometimes 13 hours. I enjoyed working that way. I believed in investing my time into something worthwhile than watching tv at home. I still think that way. And again because of some bitch I got fired again. At the end of 6 months I was told my job was very satisfactory and everyone was happy with it. But after 2 months, I was told to leave. Because suddenly everyone was dissatisfied. Bullshit. I had made more efforts to keep my job even though I hated it and found it humiliating sometimes. But I needed to earn a living. I faced a lot of problems at the office. I faced a lot of problems with my Dad. Sometimes with my Mom and my Sis too. They did not understand why I had to work so much. Even at the office they didn’t understand. And because I worked so long hours, they deducted I was incompetent. I would take my time after office hours since I had my own transport. Lots of people would leave late. But they had focused on me. The workload was unbelievable. And it was the first time someone had stayed in that position for almost a year. The maximum time span was 4 months till now. I have heard that the person replacing me is leaving office late everyday too…

Then why is it that I am so miserable. Yeah am going through a rough patch… Have heard it over and over again. But my main concern here is… Why is it so hard when someone is different from the lot? Why is it so bad to think differently? Why is being different so difficult? Why is life so hard when you think in a different direction? What is the solution? To leave this place? Go somewhere else? In a different country? Where slogging your ass off is considered normal? Where people find it ‘normal’ that I go to work on Saturdays because I am getting bored at home? Even spending the day in the office on a Sunday because it is so peaceful there? That even if am not getting paid overtime, am still working 12hrs a day without complaining? That I love going to pubs to destress? That I like to sleep late at night and that I really enjoy working under pressure? That I like a fast-paced life? That I loathe routine? What do I do to make people understand my way of thinking? I have been hitting a wall since years now just because I am misunderstood. Why is it so hard for people to understand me? I like to be on the move, be independent. I don’t like to ask for help. I hate asking for money. I can’t use people. I would rather do things on my own and achieve something than asking for somebody’s help… Unless I have no choice…

Am I weird?