Spot

Some update!

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 17:50:53 GMT

Yeah I know... Haven't updated at all this year. Even though I think about updating everyday, I just don't seem to get the courage to do so... Laziness? Tiredness? Mostly the second one...

Ok first of all, Happy New Year 2009! I really hope this year will be better, much better than last year's in everything... Let's just hope that things will improve and that finally even though the economic crisis will create havoc to a certain extent, we won't let ourselves be discouraged in reaching our goals... Everything takes time... I know what am talking about... So will you if you continue reading...

Sometimes there are people who are around you just to sabotage your plans and future... They just love doing it. I still have no clue why. Is it rivalry? Jealousy? Just what is it??? And why should there be such a thing when you have never done anything to harm that person. Not even unknowingly! Anyway I just hope that there is justice somewhere...

I started this year with a new job. Yes I have found myself a decent job! Yeah you bet I was thrilled and still am!!! There are some people out there who are still willing to give you a chance and who ventured in believing in us! And I am so thankful to them. I wouldn't have been able to spend so much time at home again...

Since four years I have been longing for a car... Not any car but I just fell in love with a certain make and a particular model... I just find the headlights devilish! Lol! Go figure what that means! So everytime I would come across one, my head would do a 180 degrees detour!!! And today am driving that car... No I didn't buy it. It's just part of the package I got in my job. And am so very enjoying it!!! :o)

I have been able to pay all my debts, I am more at peace now than before. But first and foremost, I am focussing on my career right now and however obstacles are coming my way, I won't let myself be vanquished. Enough is enough. There are a few things that I still have to learn but am working on it.

I have started going to pubs again. I need that. I need to see people and new faces around me and I need to have some fun too! But still I am focussing on my career. And that's one hell of a focus believe me!!!

I have been injured a couple of times since the beginning of the year. First it was my nose, where I felt something being smashed, but fortunately the main bone wasn't broken. That was due to getting an elbow straight in my face, and which ended up on my nose. And secondly I fell down and badly bruised my leg. I was in agony. Man that was terrible. The first one happened in Jan and the second this month. Hope it won't happen on a monthly basis!!! And that the gravity won't change and become more serious!!! The weird part is that both times it happened at the same location... Hmm... Weird huh? Does it mean I should stop going there? Or just be more cautious? But both were accidents. And however cautious you can be, accidents are still accidents! My horoscope tells me that I will be facing a lot of cuts and bruises this year but nothing serious. Well, if it's meant to be then it's meant to be! But I promise I'll be cautious! ;o)

As for my personal life, I met my ex last time. Well we spoke as good friends and nothing more. Even though he hinted at a few things, I remained as neutral as possible. I know he still likes me a lot. But well he told me last time that it was better to remain good friends, so we remain good friends! What does he want this time? I am not going to flinch.

There is another guy who seem to have fallen for me but he is not in the same location than I am. Not even in the same country!!! I don't believe in long-distance relationships. Even though for him it was purely physical in the beginning, seems to me that he has actually fallen for me. He is not my type. But he seems to be a nice human being. There is a huge difference in what seems to be and what actually is... I know nothing will happen but well, can be good friends no? And who knows if we actually meet up? But I am not counting on this relationship. I just know nothing will happen.

I have been a lousy friend to someone these past couple of months and I don't know how to catch up. He is never online whenever I am! And vice versa. We'll need to talk soon Adamie!!! I wake up early for work and when I come back I always end up dozing off on the couch soon after having dinner. It's pathetic!!! I can't believe am already in bed by 21.30hrs!!! And I reach home around 19.00-19.30hrs everyday! Sigh... Hope this will change soon coz I feel tired and lack energy. I need to start exercising again but time is the problem... In the afternoon am too tired and that gym is too crowded. And I need to leave home very early in the morning so that doesn't leave me any option to go to the gym in the morning!!! Will need to find a way. Soon.

Well here was my update! :o) Will come back soon for another one! Till then, be good and do good! And smile!!!

Crossroads

Sun, 23 Nov 2008 03:15:01 GMT

Life has come to a standstill again. I am not working. I am financially broke. Whatever am doing is wrong. I am at home 7 days a week. I don�t go out. I don�t listen to music. I don�t drink. I go out only when am forced to. I have nothing to do. The last time I went to a pub was 7 weeks back. The last time I met up with friends � or rather ex-colleagues was 3 weeks back. The last time I felt compelled to go out and meet up people was 2 weeks back. I hardly socialized that day coz I was not in a good mood.

Why is it that I always end up doing things I don�t want to do? Why is it that I feel like a loser? Why is it that am so sad? No this is not depression. This is a dead end. A T-Zone. I don�t know where to go. I don�t know what to do with my life. I keep hunting for a job. I haven�t got any yet.

I feel worthless. That feeling was always there. I always thought I was stupid. I was always belittled since childhood. I have always been obedient. Then some choices were forced upon me. I was ok for a few months. I used to stand up for myself. But then again I started thinking whether I had the right to be happy. If I had the right to want things. If I deserved good things. I tried and tried to change my fate. I did everything to fight my misery. But I failed. Am still paying for the price today. Of not succeeding.

People told me I have everything. Some old �friends� used to envy my lifestyle too. What for? I always did my best to please people around me. If I refused to do something which I didn�t want, I felt guilty about it. And I ended up pleasing the other person. At my own cost. Just to make him or her happy. It didn�t matter if I felt uncomfortable about it inside. It didn�t matter if I felt miserable.

My ex-employer once told me I acted like I was being victimized. I was really taken aback. She told me things which really hurt me. She told me things that I can�t even tell my parents. And I was fired because I was not competent. I did a high-calibre job. For the first time. New responsibilities. New environment. Not a single handing over. I learnt on the lot. Everything was new to me. Even though I had the personality, the looks, the background, I was mainly fired because I could not get along with someone there. She was the right-hand of the boss. Just because I stood up for myself and told that she was doing my job and I was being discredited in front of everyone, specially my staffs, I became the black-sheep. In 3 months I was expected to master everything. Had they given me another month I would have done it. But after coming out of something that had reduced me to pieces, it was difficult to get up that fast again. I was so happy that I had made my parents proud. But when I heard the news, I was devastated. I loved that place.

When I joined the other company, the handing-over was terrible. Done in 3 days. I was in total chaos. I had to learn another different job. Something totally new to me. The management was horrible. Things were upside down. I worked 12 hours a day. Sometimes 13 hours. I enjoyed working that way. I believed in investing my time into something worthwhile than watching tv at home. I still think that way. And again because of some bitch I got fired again. At the end of 6 months I was told my job was very satisfactory and everyone was happy with it. But after 2 months, I was told to leave. Because suddenly everyone was dissatisfied. Bullshit. I had made more efforts to keep my job even though I hated it and found it humiliating sometimes. But I needed to earn a living. I faced a lot of problems at the office. I faced a lot of problems with my Dad. Sometimes with my Mom and my Sis too. They did not understand why I had to work so much. Even at the office they didn�t understand. And because I worked so long hours, they deducted I was incompetent. I would take my time after office hours since I had my own transport. Lots of people would leave late. But they had focused on me. The workload was unbelievable. And it was the first time someone had stayed in that position for almost a year. The maximum time span was 4 months till now. I have heard that the person replacing me is leaving office late everyday too�

Then why is it that I am so miserable. Yeah am going through a rough patch� Have heard it over and over again. But my main concern here is� Why is it so hard when someone is different from the lot? Why is it so bad to think differently? Why is being different so difficult? Why is life so hard when you think in a different direction? What is the solution? To leave this place? Go somewhere else? In a different country? Where slogging your ass off is considered normal? Where people find it �normal� that I go to work on Saturdays because I am getting bored at home? Even spending the day in the office on a Sunday because it is so peaceful there? That even if am not getting paid overtime, am still working 12hrs a day without complaining? That I love going to pubs to destress? That I like to sleep late at night and that I really enjoy working under pressure? That I like a fast-paced life? That I loathe routine? What do I do to make people understand my way of thinking? I have been hitting a wall since years now just because I am misunderstood. Why is it so hard for people to understand me? I like to be on the move, be independent. I don�t like to ask for help. I hate asking for money. I can�t use people. I would rather do things on my own and achieve something than asking for somebody�s help� Unless I have no choice�

Am I weird?

A rush of blood to the head

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 07:08:07 GMT

I feel like saying that my life has come to a dead-end. Would that be wrong? Coz I don�t know what is wrong or what is right anymore.

I was about to reverse the car to keep it in the garage when I saw my neighbour in the rear-view mirror heading towards me. Earlier he had picked up a stone (bigger than the size of his palm) and had thrown it at a dog even though the dog was just happily hopping on the other side of the road. I was hardly a meter away, in my car, heading home. Before throwing the stone, that idiot didn�t even look behind to see if a car was coming or not. Dangerous. Irresponsible. Poor doggie. I just glared at him and continued my way. I didn�t even horn.

So as I was about to reverse the car, I spotted him in the rear-view mirror. Instantly my eyes became small, almost like a slit. Contempt. My window was down and instinctively I raised it a lil higher. Enough to hear him swearing as he came to my level. It�s very much possible that he was swearing at me or he wanted to provoke me. Provoked I was. But kept my cool.

He was walking with an umbrella in his hand. The type that is long with a piece of metal at the extremity. After crossing my car, he reached his gate just 3 houses away but suddenly he seemed to change his mind when his eyes fell on a car parked on the opposite side. He crossed the street and to my utter dismay I saw him kicking the side of the car, then raising his umbrella he used the metal part to scratch the rear door, the front door, then he came to the hood and scratched all over it!!! Not satisfied, he damaged the rear-view mirror!!! Shit! I should stop him!!! I started honking!!! I thought at least that would!!! He looked my way and he crossed the road and again looked my way. My head was whizzing. This should stop here before things get worse!

I geared up the car, reached to his level and asked him what his fkg problem was. He looked at me, got into his yard and closed the gate. A car was watching the whole scene in front of me and that car has 3 males in it. All neighbours. And they didn�t raise a single finger to stop this asshole�s act of vandalism!!! I kept honking so that the owner�s of the car would get out of the house but no-one did!!! I saw that asshole�s legs through the gate and I could make out that he was scared. He waited for a few minutes and he approached the gate and peeped through. I wasn�t scared a single bit!!! I was just waiting for one single move. One single move and I would have gotten out of the car and taught him a lesson!!! Yes I would have done it. I was capable of it. Because what he did was unacceptable!!!

The car in front of me was approaching me. The occupants wanted me to back away. I did. But I had to move forward twice as I was getting in the gutter. Glancing in the rearview mirror I saw my Dad on the street. Neighbours around had gathered on the road and were watching. Dad asked me what I was doing. I told him I will tell him later and added that he has damaged the parked car. I reversed the car in the garage and my Sis closed the gate, asking me what happened. My face was still flushed. I was furious!!! I told her he had to be stopped! These people�s car was scratched all over and what if he does the same thing with our car??? As it is the other day he saw that I was leaving my place and placed 2 rocks on the street. He knew I was going that way! There! Right under my nose, he picked up 2 big pieces of rocks found on the side of the road and placed one on the left and another one on the right while staring at me!!! I had just enough space to pass through the stones!!! That had infuriated me! Was he fkg nuts???

My Dad came inside the house and asked me why the hell did I have to do all this??? I said what he was doing to that car wasn�t right!!! And he might do the same to ours too!!! Now everyone told me I should have left him alone and let him damage the car. That was not our problem!!! What the FCK??? Don�t they get it??? I did it for 2 reasons dammit!!! And he had to be stopped!!! My Dad argued the fact that what if he had attacked me or thrown a stone at me or whatever? I did think about all these while he was doing all that shit! But had he done it I would have handled it! Yes I would!!!

Everyone was mad at me in the house. Specially my Sis. She told me �Now I will be scared to keep my car on the side!� Dammit doesn�t she get it??? He will not fkg do it now!!! Noway! He got scared! And he is scared! Even if he takes revenge at least we know who did it!!! But I am certain that he will not do it now!!!

My Dad was excited. So was my Sister. She told me I should have left him alone. Bullshit!!! You see someone vandalizing a car and you run inside your house and do as if nothing has happened??? How can you do that? Don�t you think that the person is threatening the peace in our street? A place where it�s supposed to be a bit secured??? This guy is crazy! He is nuts! Either he actually is mentally sick or he behaves that way to get away with it while threatening the peace around him! What if he attacks someone who is walking on the road? He should either be undergoing medical treatment or be locked behind bars dammit!!!

I will not tolerate these kinds of things! I have closed my eyes once and I could have saved a life. A couple living behind used to batter their 3 year-old child everyday. I could not bear hearing the toddler crying. I kept telling my parents that we should call the police because this was unbearable. The kid was thrashed up everyday. Several times a day. Dammit if they didn�t want a kid why didn�t they aborted it? Or given it to an orphanage??? I waited and waited for it to stop. I could not hear the baby cry like this. Then one day it all stopped. I don�t know where I had gone. I was absent for a few days. When I came back, I was told the toddler was dead. These fkg parents had thrown her out of the window and her head had banged against the wall. She had died on the spot with a fractured skull. I was devastated. I still am. I will be for the rest of my life. I should have called the police. These 2 criminals are still behind bars. That was around fourteen years ago.

I came upstairs for a shower and after a few minutes my Sis also came. Again she brought up that incident. She told me my Dad was excited because of what I did. So? She again told me I should not have done this. I told her I won�t do it again. I�ve learnt my lesson. Chapter over. But she didn�t stop. As usual. She added that sometimes I do things too impulsively. And I don�t think about the repercussions that it might have. What fkg repercussions??? There won�t be any. I am dead sure of it! Then why the hell did that guy go inside his yard to hide dammit?????? I was furious again! Why is it always like this? Is she Miss Perfect? She has done things too!!! And am not going to throw it at her face. She is just plain scared that this guy scratches her car. Well if you are that scared then you might as well consider keeping it in the courtyard for a change!

Revenge or Lucky Luke?

Sun, 16 Nov 2008 13:24:11 GMT

I was dying to go out on a Saturday night. So I told Sis let�s get all decked up in the evening and we�ll go and have some fun in a pub which is a lil far off. She was game for it. So during the day I started asking my friends to join us in the evening. But as incredible as it may seem, nobody was willing to go out. My friend answered in the evening only and said that he needs to check out with his wife. I knew his wife would say no. And indeed that�s what happened. We even called her up to change her mind but she had switched off her phone. We asked Mr Husband to come with us without his wife but his reaction told us that it would be a big mistake. I was furious! They only like to have a drink at home!!! Aren�t they tired of doing that??? Mr Husband am sure would have loved to come with us but this wife of his can be a real pain.

The rest of the friends were not up for it so in the end was at home only. I hate depending on people like this! I just hate it. And it wouldn�t be wise to go to that happening place only the two of us. I hate this place. This country. We can�t do anything on our own even if it is harmless!!!

So after that no news of my �friends�. I decided that from now on I will not ask them anything at all. As it is it�s been a while that things seems to have worsened between us. I should not mix business with pleasure. I want to say more about this but I�d rather not say anything now.

So on Friday Mr Husband called me up. I didn�t pick up his call. He kept on calling on Saturday. I didn�t respond. All this coz Mrs Wifey had her birthday on Sunday and I knew that was the reason why he was calling. So that we do something again at their place. Pfff�

Finally asked Sis to speak to him (since he had called her up too). When she explained what happened to me he seemed disappointed that I wouldn�t be able to go for her birthday. Anyway they knew how excited I was to celebrate her birthday since more than a month back. But c�mon� You never call me up or sms me. We used to sms every single day for almost a year. And when I stopped working things went on a halt. Were they friends with me just because I was giving business to them? Several times I wanted to quit that shitty job but they kept telling me not to. Why? I realize that if I had done so, they might have lost the business. They know I am jobless since 2 months. They just ask me if I have found something whenever we meet up. Then nothing. Once Mr Husband had asked me if he should approach someone he knows and who is at the head of a company. I told him yes. But nothing has been done. Same for Mrs. She told me she would speak to someone she knows and with the profile I have she is sure he will accept someone like me. But nothing. That�s because that person had told her that if ever she needs a job, he will give her one. Is she saving the job for herself when she doesn�t need it???

It�s been a week since they know that I had that back problem. But none of them even once smsed me to ask if I was feeling better. That�s what friends are for! (sarcasm)

Anyway I am not in touch with anyone. I am at home only. With my family. Dunno what�s lying ahead so am happy to be spending time being with them. No I don�t go out at all. Only maybe once a week. Very surprising, almost unreal, for someone like me� I know this situation won�t last for long. So it�s ok.

Ouch!

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 13:20:53 GMT

I went out somewhere 2 weeks ago. Dropped by home for some quick lunch then was going out again. Saw packs of mineral water stacked up near the main door. As usual I decided to give a hand to my Dad coz it�s not right for him or my Mom to lift up heavy things at this age. So I kept the packs of litres of water where it should be kept and then proceeded to my car to get some CDs. I got inside the car, looked behind me and felt a pain so sharp that I gagged to catch my breath.

I tried to get out of the car but couldn�t. My Sis heard my cries and came. I told her that I could hardly move. I tried my best to get out of the car but then I could not walk. I could not breathe. Each breath accentuated the pain. It was worse than needles being dugged into my flesh. Gosh. It was aweful.

My Sis helped me climb up the stairs. Mom asked what happened and Sis cried out that I was in terrible pain. Mom and Dad came running and they couldn�t understand what was happening to me. I could not stand straight. Sis had her arms wrapped around me from behind so as I have support if I can�t walk. I was rushed to the guest room and lied down immediately on the bed. I was lying on my stomach with my left arm was dangling outside the bed and my head tilted in a way. I did not move at all. I was just crying out in pain.

The pain was in my back. Just below my left shoulder. Where your left arm is attached to. It was burning and I dunno what all sensation I was having. All I know is that when I breathed in the pain would be unbearable. Sis felt a lump there. Yeah I guess my nerves have become all entertwined with each other! My parents thought of calling up the ambulance but I refused. Yes I can bear pain to a certain level which is quite high. But this time I couldn�t. We decided to go to the doctor. Again I walked with great difficulty. The doctor was shocked when he saw me. He could very well see that I was in immense pain and immediately my Sister went to get an injection to ease away the pain. But that wasn�t enough.

The doctor kept examining me and seemed worried. He asked me questions as in whether I feel stuffy and all. Coz if this is the case then it could be the lungs and not the muscle. Naah not possible. Well it�s true that I�ve been feeling a burning sensation at that particular place and have been to the gym to work out my back muscle. That helped a to alleviate the pain a little. But then the pain started getting worse so I would not be sitting too much using the laptop and all. I knew it was the start of some inflammation but didn�t bother much about it. Same happened a few years ago with my lower back. I was bedridden for a week. Again I was firmly asked to take rest for a week otherwise things could get worse. I was given anti-inflammatory tablets and some other tablet for blood clots. It was not a muscle pull otherwise I would have felt it. It was just that the effort I had made by lifting the bottles might have been too much for the poor back to bear.

Well, I could not sit for long nor walk for long. Driving was a big no-no. The first day I had to comply to what I was told to do. But the very next day I started feeling restless. I was getting pissed off coz I hate being like this!!! But what to do�

So I am feeling better now but the pain keeps coming back. And whenever this happens I try to take rest. My Dad thinks that my pain was ephemeral. I hate to see that sarcastic smile when I know that the pain is terrible. Ah well� As it is the relationship with my Dad is thunderous so even though I had lashed out sarcasm when he had once asked me if my pain was still there, I try to keep it cool.

Grrr!!!

Sat, 01 Nov 2008 13:13:35 GMT

Am fuming! C'mon man there is a limit to everything!!! I hate to depend on people! I just hate it! Is that a price to pay when you are a girl? I need to depend on other people to go out! How can people spend their time at home??? Keep watching tv, eat and sleep? Is this a life???

Ok yes I am an outgoing person. Yes I like to have fun and relax and forget about all the problems that I have in my life! Having problems doesn't mean you sit at home and brood over them! What's wrong in going out to a pub, listening to music, watch new faces, meet people you know and have a couple of hours of fun? Yeah sometimes 2 hours can extend to 5 hours but what's wrong in that? You are not doing it everyday or every weekend, are you?

I need to depend on people so that I don't go out alone. Sure there is a pub where I can go alone coz I feel safe enough there and I know no-one will come to bug me. But am not doing it nowadays. But if I decide to go to a happening place I will not go there alone. And for that I need company. I've tried every person who likes to have fun and no-one is available today. And another one as usual has to bend to his wife's whims as always! That's fkg frustrating! I wonder if he is at all happy with his wife!!! Coz too much is too much! I've seen them so many times and really I pity the guy coz this is not the way to treat him!

Anyway I stayed at home only and spent some time on the net. Nevermind� Wait till I start working again! Am sure things are going to change� and that too drastically. I will get my smile back!!!

Virtual friendship

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:48:13 GMT

Have you ever come across someone whom you relate absolutely to? So understanding and whom you get along so well? I have met a few people like this. Some of them were pretending to be genuine and some of them turned out to be hypocrites� But only one of them remained the same although we are not in touch that much anymore� This is another case.

I have met someone around 5 years ago. We've met virtually. Through chatting. We'd just hit it off and we became thick pals. Whenever I needed him he was there but I can't say the same for myself. Yes I have been there but sometimes, due to certain circumstances it was impossible for me to talk to him or help him out.

And I never knew that he had held that grudge against me. The other day he blurted out that he was used to it that am not there for him. He told me that after 5 years of solid friendship. That had really hurt me deeply. That had cut through me like a sharp razor blade. And we are not talking about Gillette Mach 3 or Mach 4 here!!!

I remember the times when I wasn't there for him. But as I had said before, I couldn't do otherwise. Circumstances were against me. However hard I had tried. We cannot always have control over things that happen, do we? Though he said he understood, it was all pretence finally. I thought he really meant it. We would fight like cats and dogs and after a few months we would be back to old times again. We used to say that we were soul mates and that we would be together in the next life. I meant it. And then he started telling me that he wanted to kiss me on the lips and all� That made me uncomfortable. I had never looked at him that way. After that it went further and it went out of hand. No I didn't like the way things were moving. I felt like telling him to go to his wife since he was married now. And I also told him that it was not right that he would think about me this way when his wife loved him so much. Even before he got married he would sometimes tell me that he was kissing me all over my face and all. But I would not reply to these messages. Do friends do that? I know they don't. Yes they kiss on the cheeks or on the forehead and maybe on the tip of the nose. But nowhere else. No they don't have the right to do that unless you give them the right to do so. They hug and hold hands but that's about it. You don't cross the line. Because when you do, you become lovers.

I don't mind talking about sex. I don't mind talking about things. But when it comes to me, as in doing things to me that makes me uncomfortable. Specially since I had trusted male friends in the past and they ended up wanting to bed me. That's breaching of trust. It's not because I am friendly and all that it means that I will accept anything that you would want to do with me. All I wanted was a good friend.

I dunno if it's comprehensible, but when I make friends, I don't even think about the gender of the person. I think about that person as a neutral human being. Even if the person is attractive or whatever� Nothing. It's just like the way a child looks at a grown-up person. All you see is the child being fond of the other person without taking sex into consideration. A selfless trust and dedication. No other thoughts, no sexual thoughts� Just simple affection. Yes I do admit that sometimes the perception of a friend changes and friendship changes into love. Happened to me once. Only once. But that had bloomed into a beautiful relationship.

I dunno what to think. I have decided to stay away from him. Such a wonderful friendship where we shared everything. But I guess it wasn't meant to be. One day when I had blogged he gave me his opinion about what I had written and he had the guts to judge me about what I wrote. Why the hell do I need to justify myself? I am who I am. If you can't deal with that you might as well go your way and find someone else to butter up! I don't like to be disappointed or hurt. Who does anyway?

What shocked me was the fact that he kept on talking about things and kept saying that all these would happen in the next life! That's so stupid!!! Then why don't you leave it for next time. As it is we don't even know about the next life!!! That's trying to con me. Am not that stupid you know. So it's like let's talk about things even though we know it will not happen. If we know that things won't happen then why talk about it in the first place??? Don't you see we are wasting each other's time? Why wait for next life to do things when you can do it in this life??? This is no movie happening here!!! This is all bullshit!!! Life is not a movie! Life is not fictitious!!! Only cowards say things like this. Cause they cannot do it now. Anyway it's another friend that I have lost. Things can't be the same anymore. Never can be.

I have other friends whom I haven't met till now. Yes again virtually. Great human beings. These people have never misbehaved with me. They have treated me right. They have been friends. And am sure someone will recognize himself when he reads this. We have never met but please know that you hold a place in my life. Again like I said before, you are a human being. No gender considered. We laughed out guts out and all and yes it's great to be in your company even if it's virtual. And I hope this friendship that we share will remain like this. Adam and Eve weren't friends but well, who needs to be like them? We defied them! :o)

Quote

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 21:13:26 GMT

"There is a prayer intended to give strength to people faced with circumstances they don�t want to accept. The power of the prayer comes from it's insight into human nature. Because so many of us rage against the hand that life has dealt us. Because so many of us are cowardly. And afraid to stand up for what is right. Because so many of us give into despair when faced with an impossible choice. The good news for those who utter these words is that God will hear you and answer your prayer. The bad news is that sometimes the answer is no."

Unbalanced

Sun, 19 Oct 2008 20:30:23 GMT

Yeah that's how am feeling right now! Sigh... Yeah am kinda getting some sudden 'enlightenment' from out of nowhere! Just realising that am painfully getting old and that I no longer have the same stamina had a few months back! What has happened to meeeeeeeee???

Going to the gym has no longer become an enjoyment for me. It takes real courage and motivation for me to hit the treadmill and exercise for 1 1/2 hrs almost everyday. Previously after 2 hours of working out every single day and going to work after that, I used to be fit like anything. Now? Now after gymming I come home and am wasted! Absolutely wasted!!! Why oh whyyyyyyyyyyyyy???

I need to take serious grip of myself. After almost 2 months I had fun yesterday and I had missed that so much. No I don't want to change for the worse!!! No! I want to get back that dynamism that am so well-known for! Too much lethargy is eating me up at an alarming speed! Was discussing with someone in the morning and asked him whether he has noticed too that we don't have the stamina like we had a few months back or even a year ago. He agreed. What has become of us? We are still young! Boo-hoo-hoo...

Apart from that am getting desperate for a new job now. I can't be at home like this! Am growing fat and all and I keep eating! That's because I can't smoke at home! And this is causing me to eat, eat and eat! I need to get real serious about this fitness thing coz it's like am wasting my time getting all sweaty and tired at the gym and then I end up eating more than I should! From tomorrow onwards am going to eat only half stomach and fill myself up with water!!! Today itself I had 3 litres of water. The reason? Too much drinking last night and am dehydrated! Lol! Am shamelessly admitting that I LOVED IT!!! Ha ha!

Update

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 07:22:04 GMT

Finally my friends contacted me last week and went over to their house for a short visit. Was happy to see them! Well when leaving they said they hoped to see me more often... Well still it's been a week and I don't sms or call like before... I don't want to end up being a leach or anything. Or don't even want to give that feeling to anyone. It's one of the worst things I believe. When someone says that the 'friend' is a real glue-stick! I certainly don't want to have that kinda tag on me!

I sometimes wonder if people really appreciate the person that I am. Some people think am a real snob. Well am not but it's just that I've got a personality that makes people think so. You know the quote... The first impression is the last impression.In my case when people look at me am sure they think am a snob. But just see me smile. I know that my smile has a kind of warmness in it. I dunno why but with eveyone that I meet, I do have a genuine interest in that person. It is impossible for me to be a hypocrite. Maybe that's why people feel the warmth about me. I just can't feel as if am interested when actually am not. Weird. But one thing is for sure. I would rather stay away from people who have hurt me in the past or from people who gossip about me. Even though I have seldom heard things about me, I would rather stay in one corner or mingle with other people than hanging around with hyprocrites.

Am currently reading a book called 'Apple of my Eye' by Patrick Redmon. Have tried to stay away from my pc since I could feel my eyes were becoming dry. And that's not comfortable. Specially when I wake up in the morning and feel my eyes absolutely dry, hence it hurts to blink. Now it's better since I have started reading. It's been such a long time since I read a novel This one is not bad at all and seems to be a good read.